I Was Unaware That I Was Unaware
There are certain conversations that stay with you long after they end.
My recent conversation with Brian Quinn, Esquire, of LAWYERS CONCERNED FOR LAWYERS OF PENNSYLVANIA INC was surely one of them.
Brian has spent more than 40 years in and around the legal profession. Today, he speaks openly about attorney mental health, substance use, perfectionism, stress and well-being.
But his path to doing this work was anything but linear.
Early in our conversation, Brian shared an experience that profoundly shaped his life.
Shortly after passing the bar exam, he watched his mentor suffer a fatal heart attack in the courtroom. The next day after his mentor's funeral, Brian was admitted to practice law. Soon after, he found himself sitting behind his mentor's desk, taking over a practice he had barely begun preparing to inherit.
He was grieving. He was traumatized. He was terrified.
And he kept going.
When Functioning Looks Like Flourishing
Brian described learning very early in his career to put on a mask.
On the outside, he was building a successful practice, raising a family, becoming involved in his community and keeping all the plates spinning.
Inside, something very different was happening.
Anxiety. Imposter syndrome. Perfectionism. A growing sense that he didn't belong.
And rather than letting anyone see what was happening, he worked harder.
He described staying up for days to produce work that he hoped would compensate for his lack of experience. And as his professional success grew, so did the disconnect between how things appeared on the outside and how he felt on the inside.
That part of Brian's story really stayed with me.
Because you don't have to share his particular experience to understand the pattern.
So many of us become incredibly good at functioning.
We meet deadlines. Take care of clients. Show up for our families. Solve problems. Keep producing.
And sometimes our ability to keep functioning makes it harder to recognize that something isn't working.
“What If?”
There was another part of our conversation that I suspect will resonate with a lot of lawyers and plenty of other high-achieving professionals.
The what-ifs.
What if I missed something? What if I make a mistake? What if I'm not as capable as everyone thinks I am?
And in professions where anticipating risk and identifying problems are part of the job, it can become difficult to turn that way of thinking off when we go home.
The very qualities that can help us succeed, such as high standards, independence, problem-solving, persistence, can sometimes begin working against us.
Particularly when we believe we should be able to handle everything ourselves.
Sometimes Someone Else Helps Us See What We Can't
This part of Brian's story is personal for me.
Years ago, when I was still practicing as a litigator at Marshall Dennehey, Brian came to our firm to give a CLE.
At that point in my career, I was struggling more than most people around me probably realized.
I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and spending far too much time in fight-or-flight. Yet I was also a seasoned attorney - had more than a decade of experience working as a litigator - handling increasingly significant responsibilities.
From the outside, I was functioning.
Inside, I knew something needed to change.
That day, Brian gave voice to things many of us in the room were experiencing, but weren't necessarily talking about.
For me, it was a wake-up call.
I needed healthier ways to be with what was difficult, rather than simply continuing to push through it.
Years later, it felt incredibly meaningful to sit across from Brian on Conscious Corner Podcast with Courtney and talk about where both of our paths have taken us.
Awareness Creates Possibility
Toward the end of our conversation, Brian said something I haven't stopped thinking about:
“I was unaware that I was unaware.”
For years, he didn't fully recognize what was happening within him or how the ways he was coping were affecting his life.
Eventually, someone asked a remarkably simple question:
Accepting that help changed the trajectory of his life.
Today, Brian and I talk about vulnerability very differently than we once understood it. We see it not as weakness, but as something that can create authenticity, connection, courage, belonging, hope, and make us more resilient.
And that brings me back to something at the heart of my own work:
We can't respond skillfully to something we haven't first learned to recognize.
Awareness doesn't mean everything immediately changes.
It gives us a chance to notice.
To get curious.
To ask for help.
To make a different choice.
To turn toward ourselves with a little more compassion and a little less judgment.
And sometimes, that first moment of awareness can change far more than we realize.
You can catch my full conversation with Brian today on Spotify and YouTube.
Awareness Matters In Our Bodies, Too
This same idea - that we can't respond to what we don't recognize - is also at the heart of another conversation I'm having right now.
For many women, the physical, cognitive and emotional changes associated with perimenopause can show up while they're continuing to lead, work, parent, care for others and manage already-full lives.
Sometimes they don't realize what's happening.
And the people working alongside them may not understand it either.
That's why I'm partnering with Shonda Moralis, MSW, LCSW on October 9 for a 90-minute virtual program focused on menopause, perimenopause, menstruation, awareness and practical support.
We'll combine education about what women may experience during this transition with mindfulness-based tools that can help women navigate it and help leaders and workplaces better understand and support their people.
Awareness isn't just about noticing what's wrong. It's about giving ourselves more information, more understanding and ultimately more choice in how we respond.
October 9 | 12-1:30PM (ET) | Register Here
Hope to see you there!
And if you’re curious about additional ways you and/or your team can work with me, let’s connect. I’d love to learn more about what you’re navigating and explore how I can support you and your organization.